Ok so as a few of you know I’m having a really hard time with money at the moment. Just bare scrapping by with rent and power. I’ve lost my phone and internet because I just can’t afford them. And now my car is dead and I’m not sure why. This really couldn’t come at a worse time as I’m going to be dog watching and house sitting for my parents for 2 weeks later this month and still go to class and work and they live 20 miles away.  But we’ll find a way to make it work.

Anyway after the crying fit Matt made at the Star Theatre in March I was talking to my friend K.P and she said that Matt seemed genially upset and concerned about me.  So after talking with her we came to the conclusion that if he is genially concerned he either is too scared or lack the testicular fortitude to ‘be the bigger man’ and get a hold of me. So K.P told me to ‘put on my big girl panties’ and get a hold of him. So I wrote him a letter thanking him for his concern and said if he’d like to help with this blasted credit card that he helped me max out I wouldn’t mind if he paid a quarter of it.  I had a few people read to make sure I came off as professional and not needy, or too arrogant. I mailed it certified mail on April 13th so I know he got the letter. I know I shouldn’t be surprised or even disappointed but I haven’t heard a word from him.  I know it’s my idealism but I had a sliver of hope.

There’s so much I want to say to that “snivelling-mommas-boy-who-can’t-take-responsibility-for-his-own-inadequacies” (Thanks K.S) I hear writing a letter to ex can be very cathartic and I think that’s what my next update will be is a letter to him

Night of Epic Win

Oh yesterday was full of Epic and Win on so many levels. Last night was the Abney Park show. So I will tell you what will happen.

Well for weeks we were all planned to meet to at a sushi place near the theater and when the show was at. So I pick up L and we head to Portland. On the way up there we say a car with some pretty nasty bumper stickers, something like “Smile Be Glad Your Weren’t Aborted” or “I don’t have enought FAITH to Believe in Evalution” “Premarital Sex Puts You on the Used Car Lot” and one about not dying so the Pastor doesn’t have to lie. L was reading them to me as I was paying attention to driving. Except I did notice he was on his cell phone! So he’s allowed to shove his beliefes down others throat as they drive AND endanger people and break the law while being on his cell phone? Come one jerkface!

So after L and I get to a parking gurage and ready to meet everyone at Sushi Ichiban I get my phone out and there’s a text that I got at 5:00pm saying “We’re eating in Beaverton hope you can make it”. Oh I was annoyed. I mean we were meeting at 6:30pm it takes an hour to get from Salem to Portland and you text me 90 minutes before we are supposed to meet? That’s just rude! There had been plans set up for weeks they knew people were coming from all over and at different times. Also since I didn’t replay to the freaking text why not call me and make SURE I got the message? So I text them back and say ummm… NO that’s not ok with us. L and I are already in Portland and it’s too late to head down to Beaverton. Not to mention that would have been a huge waste of gas unless they wanted to pay the $4.00 a gallon in gas for me to head down to Beaverton for them!! Very very rude and inconsiderate!

So L and I go to Sushi Ichiban we get in there and they are playing 80’s synth-pop and I’m all gitty they were playing “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night” and they played “Never Gonna Give You Up”. Less annoyed because I plan on having fun.  The sushi was pulled by a train and I think it kept getting longer and shorter. But the awesome part was someone was leaving little notes on the train like “Feed me Seymore” or “Come back Sushi”, or “Fuck sushi I’m here for the boobs” there was even a tiny note that as a poll asking who your favorite ninja turtle was.  The two men next to us were talking about everything from Barbie Dolls to Weebles. So cool music, train sushi, little notes and 2 grown men talking about childrens toys. I think L’s & my supper was far better.

So L & I find the venue it wasn’t that far away from Sushi Ichiban. I was told Matt might be at the concert but I asn’t sure or not. But I saw him in line and just ignored him. Because really my thought is/was “We were married for almost 6 years together over 8. That’s because we have/had a lot in common. It’s not going to change just because we’re divorced.” But I’m there with a group of friends if the rest of them ever show up so I’m going to have fun. Just because we ended up in the same place doesn’t mean we have to hang out or talk to one another. So I don’t. It was the first time I’ve really seen him in a long time. But I didn’t go over to talk to him or even go near him. I just saw that were were at the same place.

While in line there is a homeless man asking for change and I have an extra dollar so I give it to him. And he told first that he’ll buy me a beer later, then it got to he will buy me dinner and changes that if I ever need acid he will hook me up. Then he started parsing me for giving him the dollar and told me that I just gave Jesus a dollar. And maybe I had. It was entertaining and whatever he used it on I hope he enjoyed it. Not my place to judge him or what he spends the money on.

They start letting people into the venue but L & I can’t get in because our tickets are at Will-Call under someone else’s name. So the doorman tells us to stand to the side and when our group shows up he’ll let them jump the line and we can get in. Well L and I are out in the cold for like 30 mins and our group still hadn’t shown up. So the doorman asks if we know the full name of the person who has our tickets. And we say yeah. So he tells the chick at Will-Call to let us in since our party wasn’t there and we were even sure if the rest of them were going to show up. So in the theater there’s a clear spot by stage right that I head for and claim my spot! Still can’t see the rest of our party.

About 15 minutes later I see that K and M show up and poor K got stopped by Matt. I feel bad but try not to gawk, but I do glance over my shoulder every so often and at one point I think he’s crying. I mean if you are with someone for 8+ years you can tell facial expressions. Not sure how long but after a while K come over to me and her very first comment is that “Matt is a pussy”.

So K tells me that she spotted Matt then Matt spotted her spotting him so she couldn’t ignore him. But I guess he didn’t know I was going to the show and he went off telling K that since our divorce he had stopped going to concert and events because he didn’t want me to be uncomfortable or make an awkward scene so he just ‘stayed away’. Now he didn’t want me to make a scene or be awkward yet he’s the 32 almost 33 year old man sitting in a club crying into his beer? Ok we have been divorced since Aug and I haven’t said a single word to him since Oct and he’s still blaming me for him being unhappy and not doing things. WTF!?!?! REALLY!?!?!

Gods again we do like a lot of the same stuff that’s not going to change. I don’t care where he goes, what or who he does. Not going to make me feel bad, or uncomfortable or awkward. My only thing is that I don’t suggest he goes to any belly dance function as they Beautiful Ladies are my friends and Sister. No none of them will be outwordly rude or mean to him. But I know they will and do have my back and love me. But if he wants to go he can. I’m just saying that well it might not be a good idea.

K also had to reassure Matt that I really am doing alright because Matt was ‘worried’ about me. He heard about the credit card and was wondering how I was surviving and living, or even how I got to the concert. K had to tell him I’m fine then asked how he afforeded the concert and his replay was “My mom bought the ticket”.

If he’s really upset and feels bad about helping me rack up a $5000 credit card he could always contact me and offer to help pay. I can’t make him as our divorce says we will pay any of our own withstanding debt so I can’t make him pay, but if he really is upset about it he could offer to help.

But K has to reasure him over and over again that NO I’m not living in a box somewhere and that I’m alright. Then apparently he went off and had to have K reassure him that just because he’s no longer in my life I haven’t given up or lost my hopes and dreams. WHAT he thinks so little of me that he thinks that without HIM in my life I am reduced to being a brake say pathetic homeless person that has no hopes and dreams anymore!?!?! I wanted to go over to him then and there and deck him. He still thinks he’s so important in my life and existence that just because he’s no longer there I’m falling apart?

Then the band came out and rocked it. This was the second time I’ve seen Abney park and they are just as awesome as last time even with the new band members. I had to take off my shoes during the concert because I was getting blisters. They played a lot of new song and of course some of my favorites like “Wrong Side”. The new violin player was pretty awesome too. And their costumes like always rocked! Oh the hat that the violin player wore *swoon*. Oh year it was an Awesome night of getting my Steampunk on with some of my friends. What a way to end Winter Term and welcome in the Spring. And I was very  happy with how my make-up turned out last night so it made me happier and feel sexier.

During the intermission I had to use the restroom and I knew Matt was watching me. As I was walking by on the way back to the stage I saw that he was sitting alone at a table. There were two others at his table but they were just sitting by him because he was alone at a table and they were totally ignoring him.

After the concert the band was outside taking pictures and so since I had been up since 6:30am and it was nearly midnight I get my CD have them sign it then L and I head back home since it’s going to be an hour drive. I realize I forgot to feed the cats before I left and realize that they will be protesting a lot when I get home.

I drop L off then head home. I get home and there’s a big fluffy gray cat sitting on my landing and my heart jumps out of my chest thinking it’s Ghost. It’s 1 in the morning I jump out of my cat saying “Ghost?” and the cat gets up and runs away and I still cat’s tell if it’s not Ghost or not but I’m pretty sure it’s not. I open the door and Ghost greets me. So I lock up the apartment feed the cats and scoop Ghost up cuddle and snuggle her then go to bed.

It was a great night.

K told me not to let Matt get to me. Just because he is still tired and hung up on me. And I told her no it was more just like WTF that will turn into a REALLY? That will fade into whatever it’s HIS bag of crazy not mine. And I am no longer attached to his bag of crazy. So yeah. It was just more this was the first time I’d really seen him in a while. But it will fade.


Song: Noir by William Control

Scent: Cheshire Moon~ A lunatic’s blend of lunar herbs and blossoms, with lemongrass, guava, pink grapefruit, banyan fruit, hibiscus, and cherry blossom.


Soon I will be moving most of my stuff into my new place with my new roommate.  Her name is Rachel, she is a 20 year old early ed student at WOU. I met her by looking up “Roommates near WOU”. We really hit it off well I was happy. We are kinda in the same boat at the moment. She just broke up with her boyfriend and couldn’t afford rent and I well you know.  She likes to cook, plays video games so she is at least semi-nerd which is good for me, and she likes tea and cheese. She even showed me her favorite mug that I much say was pretty wonderful.

She even helped me put my desk together yesterday which was cool. On Wednesday I have a group of people coming over to help take my, bed, dresser, coffin, dining table and maybe bookshelf over to my new place.  See how and where everything will fit in my room then I can judge what stuff I really want to bring and have room for and what stuff will go into my parents basement till I have a place to display them all again. I think my bed will take up most of my room. And well I am alright with that.

But I mean I am really excited for this. New friend, new place to live, new life.  So exciting. Just remember In Dolore Voluptas. I am finally getting and finding the pleasure in all the pain I have been having.

So I must now scamper off and work on cleaning my room! Already have a box in there for things I don’t need/want.

Plus a Halfa tonight at Datura. Even more pleasure and sleeping on the couch for the last two days has been a pain. But the pain will be worth the pleasure in the end.


Worst Week Ever

Song- Remember by Emilie Autumn

Scent- Tears ~ The distillate of grief and loss. A clean, cathartic fragrance

In Dolore Voluptas

Wow really universe? I mean I knew Saturn Return was supposed to be turbulent and stuff but you have got to be kidding me! I mean this really has been the worst week ever.

Yeah life has pretty much sucked for the last three months but this week topped it all. I mean up until now it was just little things then a break. But lately it’s just been one thing after another. Friday after working a 12 hour shift at work I was very tired, sad and lonely.   No real reason that’s just how I felt. I’ve been in a dark place for a while so my bad habit decided to come out and play. I do not condone this habit or even promote it is just how I deal with things. Take it or leave it, it is a part of me so when you get me that part comes along, it mostly stays hidden but sometimes it comes out in force. truthfully it’s been hanging around since my brothers graduation I know I have the marks to prove it and it’s just been building and building till last Friday was the worst. So far, I hope it doesn’t get any worse then it did Friday but I don’t know.  There are worse habits I could have, I’m not turning tricks and shooting herion, nor am I a serial killer.

My Twin could tell by the texts but he was so tired that he crashed early, but he did the best thing he could think of and that was tell my friend Jess to get a hold of me. By that time I was already kinda tipsy, didn’t take much with my meds and the fact I hadn’t eaten. Anyway when Jess called I do what I always do I lie. Wasn’t hard since I was tipsy and well I’m good at it. I told her everything was fine, was it? No way in hell I was a freaking wreck but Jess didn’t need to know that she’s got her own stuff to worry about. So I act like everything is fine and happy, I’ve been doing it for years it comes naturally.   So I talked with her shortly then hung up. Really by the time she called the damage was already done so why bother her with it? So I let her go with the thought of seeing her the next day.

The the next day was supposed to be the Coven Initiation, I really was not in a space to do it and that was what I was going to tell everyone when they got to my house. But Jess never showed.  An hour after the time she was supposed to be there I get a facebook message saying that she’s mad at me, she doesn’t like the fact I go to my Twin to talk to and I need professional help. I broke down but she wouldn’t talk to me beyond that really. So  after I was able to pull myself together Lindsay, Hot Amanda and I went out for cake. I had chocolate raspberry.

Monday I couldn’t sleep so I called into work sick, something I don’t normally do even when I am really sick. So I started texting people, mostly my Twin and Jess, and my brother.  Mostly for packing materials like boxes and what not.  Jess told me that she got them from her work and she would pick some up for me. We chatted a bit via text then seemingly out of the blue she said that she wants to put some distance between us. I was confused and shocked and it went from her bringing me boxes to her not wanting to help me move at all. That was like a shot to the heart, so I talked to my Twin and he tried to talk to her. She mostly told him to f-off but she said that one of  her sons is showing signs of depression and she doesn’t want him to over hear her talking to me and get the idea that my bad habit is a good idea. Then she started blaming my Twin  for my bad habit acting up saying it was his fault. And getting mad at him that I talk to him first before going to her and that she will not speak to me until I “get the help I need”. I haven’t had contact with her since.

I can mostly understand where she is coming from. Really I can. First she has not seen my at this point of bleakness, I’ve known her 3-4 years and I have been mostly steady, so for my habit to come out with this much force? Yeah I can understand it took her by surprise. Two how would it look and what would you think if one of your friends was going through deep emotional pain and started talking to someone they met on line a lot and slowly pushing their other friends away? Three she is a mom and I understand the safety of her kids come before anything no one is asking her different.

Now what I don’t understand. One why does she think her son is going to start picking up my bad habit? I’m not talking to any of her kids about my depression, that’s just inappropriate on sooo many levels that I don’t think I need to go into them. Everyone’s depression manifests in it’s own way you cannot ‘catch’ a coping habit. It just doesn’t work that way. Second blaming my Twin for my bad habit acting up? Ummm….. Just no, just because he sadly happened to show up and become my friend as my life started falling deeper down the spiral is NOT his fault. Gods I feel bad with all the drama I put him through. I really wonder why he is still speaking to me really I wonder that every day. Another thing SHE pushes people away too. I mean most of the stuff I’ve set up, Full Moons, hanging out with friends she can’t make it. Like the last time I planned a girls Coffee/Tea outing, and she wasn’t that far from the Cafe. But she was upset and down for her own problems and didn’t bother showing up.  She may not lie when people ask her, she just stops interacting with people until she wants to. She has problems telling people about her issues and pain and wants me to run to her when I am? She wants me to get professional help (which I am), yet she refuses too because it’s too painful?  But Hot Amanda  talked to her. I don’t know the details but we will see what the outcome is.

Tuesday my friend and their spouse got into a a pretty big fight from what I hear. And it was about me. Like Jess didn’t stab a dagger into my heart Monday that just put another one right in there.

Wednesday I failed my driving test because of my anxiety.

So yeah so far pretty bad week.

*Head Desk* Don’t Annoy the Crazy Person

Song: Beautiful Loser by William Control

Scent:  NIGHT-GAUNTTheir scent of their slick, rubbery hides is bittersweet, ticklish, and skin-creeping: something akin to yuzu, white grapefruit, and kumquat mixed with the snow-dusted flowers of Mount Ngranek.

Warning this post will bounce

Really World REALLY!?! I still haven’t heard back from the Rachel about the room. So my anxieties are bounding off my in my head at the moment. And I haven’t heard from Adam if there is a place open where Richard and Ellen use to live.

See that would have been fine but Matt tells me today that he’s emailed our landlord and given our 30 notice!?! Really he didn’t talk to me. And when I brought up the fact he didn’t talk to me he gets rather defensive. I am annoyed as where the fuck am I going to live I haven’t heard back from ANY place I have started looking and now I have to be packed up and gone within 30 days? That’s great!! And all I get in return is Matt telling me he needs to move out for HIS own health. What about MY health you Fucking mamas boy?!?

I have been trying to give you space, even when that space was our living-room. I’ve been doing your laundry and willing to take the pets as your lazy ass can’t even feed the Guinea Pig that lives in your room Poor Dante! I went in there today to go through books and Dante had no food.

Yes this is an nu-medicated annoyed crazy person here.

So today after getting out of my Doc office where she piled me with free samples but which wasn’t either of my meds and there’s no was a drug plan will cover it I got to go on a drug store scavenger hunt to see where I could find mine cheaper. Went to target and we can get my Celexa generic for $10 for 3 months. Not $15 a month.  And my Bupropion for $36 a month instead of $150. I can deal with that.  Burt yet I can’t afford to pic them up this month because I have $60 in my account. Yet Matt can eat out and buy the new Hary Dresden book in hard back and still owe me $100 for rent.

So after leaving Target Matt tells me “I need to get out of that place for me health”  when I bring up the fact I have NO set place to live yet and that he should have really talked to be nefore doing that I get.  “I’m sorry I haven’t been repayable while going through this emotional roller-coaster”  Really!?! Who’s the nu-medicate crazy person who’s been trying to give you space, and walking on egg shells around you? Yet I still seem to be able to handle my job, without breaking down in to tears, fucking hard but I can. I do my house work in the place we still live because it needs to get done. He makes it seem like he is the only one dealing with this shit. Because when he’s not working he’s reading or watching movies, using my checking account to buy movies ion his PS3. And when I get home he runs off the the computer lab on campus.

Oh I hope I find a new place to live soon. Adam said he’s waiting to hear from his wife and I still have heard nothing from Rachel.


I really cannot sum my feeling up today so I will let my beautiful Emilie Autumn do so with her poem

Smirking Girl

If you turn the pages of the past
you’ll often find a story without an ending
no ‘Amen’ to say it’s over
all you have is a name you would rather forget
but it isn’t over yet
not when you’ve built your castle out of barricades
to guard against the fools you beat so long ago
long before you even knew they were fools
but even longer since you saw a god in anyone
and for such an independent soul
you sure wanted to believe in someone else
can you blame them that you hate them
smirking girl, you ask too much
who said anyone would show you the way
who said anyone would care what you’ll do someday
You’re all alone here
you can’t buy what isn’t there
You’re all alone here
you can’t change what isn’t fair
how obstinate you are
you can’t forgive the
mall they did was make you cry
on every day that passed you by
how wise they were to know you didn’t like them
how foolish they should have to ask you why

Dance Name Round 2