Gloomy Sunday

Song ~ Rose Red by Emilie Autumn

Scent~ Bewitched: Deep, luscious green and berry scents that evoke images of woodland witchcraft and the raw power of nature: blackberry, sage, green tea, wild berries and dark musk.

First I want to say I love the weather. Yes I like the 70+ raining weather.  Makes me happy. Reminds me of Costa Rica almost. Nothing can give me that feeling but Pura Vida. Sitting here in an empty computer lab, makes me want to cry for no reason. The emptiness is setting and settling  in at the moment.  I sit here listening to my beloved Miss Emilie Autumn and talking to a few people on the Exalted chat. Not role-playing at the moment just talking. And nothing too personal as some admin like spying on my personal conversations in the chat. I’m flattered that they care about what I’m having private conversations with people but it is fucking annoying.

The day after tomorrow I will be at Datura starting Rachel Brice’s 8 Elements workshop.  I am going for the certification testing as well. Really what was I thinking? I’m not even a good enough dancer to be in advanced beginning dance class and here I think I’m going to pass a certification given by Rachel freaking Brice? I mean theses other women are professional dancers and teachers! What am I? I’m nothing, a hippo trying to be a dancer. What was I thinking?

I’m not sure what’s going to be come of me really at the moment. I want to be so many things but I am not sure if they are even achievable. Dance Teacher, plus Oregon has enough amazing dancers why do they need one that will only be shoddy at best?  Yoga Teacher? Dietitian? Really do I think I can achieve all that or am I setting myself up for failure again?  I haven’t been to the gym in almost two weeks I have been eating like crap. That’s changing when I start The 8 Elements so I have enough energy for the 6+ hours of work I’ll be doing each day.

It’s almost been a month since Matt and I decided that we should no longer be married. It was June 22nd that we came to the agreement. Some days are better than others. Today I’m border lining other.  I’m really not sure how Matt is handling it. He is hanging out with people he doesn’t really like just to have something to do on Fridays, and spends most of his days lounging on the couch watching things like Veggie Tales and Power Rangers eating pizza he is going to lunch with his old friend from Western Baptist today. Tim never liked me because I’m Pagan. Maybe divorcing me Matt will become a good Christian again? I’m not sure I just want him to have some drive to do something! But as it stands it doesn’t look like it. Lately it seems he’s been living on the couch and watching things like Veggie Tales, Power Rangers, and random “Christian” movies. He even looked up Christian porn. I’m confused.

I go out to coffee/tea with friends I do have my workshop, which I’ll be expecting hard mental bake downs and hoping for amazing epiphanies but we’ll see.  I am trying to do something social at least once a week just for fun. Like on Aug 5 which would have been my anniversary I’m going over to my brother’s to hang out they want to get my drunk anyone want to join me?  And my Twin was sweet enough to sent NagaSita enough money for 2 hours of private classes with her.  I don’t see myself being ready to perform by October, but it is a step closer. And Katy said she would help me with costuming when I’m ready.  But whenever I can afford it I will be taking private lessons with my Sweet Faced Serpent Goddess. I am so blessed to have her and all my class mates in my life. They are all such strong beautiful women. I wish I could be more like them.

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