Song- Remember by Emilie Autumn
Scent- Tears ~ The distillate of grief and loss. A clean, cathartic fragrance
In Dolore Voluptas
Wow really universe? I mean I knew Saturn Return was supposed to be turbulent and stuff but you have got to be kidding me! I mean this really has been the worst week ever.
Yeah life has pretty much sucked for the last three months but this week topped it all. I mean up until now it was just little things then a break. But lately it’s just been one thing after another. Friday after working a 12 hour shift at work I was very tired, sad and lonely. No real reason that’s just how I felt. I’ve been in a dark place for a while so my bad habit decided to come out and play. I do not condone this habit or even promote it is just how I deal with things. Take it or leave it, it is a part of me so when you get me that part comes along, it mostly stays hidden but sometimes it comes out in force. truthfully it’s been hanging around since my brothers graduation I know I have the marks to prove it and it’s just been building and building till last Friday was the worst. So far, I hope it doesn’t get any worse then it did Friday but I don’t know. There are worse habits I could have, I’m not turning tricks and shooting herion, nor am I a serial killer.
My Twin could tell by the texts but he was so tired that he crashed early, but he did the best thing he could think of and that was tell my friend Jess to get a hold of me. By that time I was already kinda tipsy, didn’t take much with my meds and the fact I hadn’t eaten. Anyway when Jess called I do what I always do I lie. Wasn’t hard since I was tipsy and well I’m good at it. I told her everything was fine, was it? No way in hell I was a freaking wreck but Jess didn’t need to know that she’s got her own stuff to worry about. So I act like everything is fine and happy, I’ve been doing it for years it comes naturally. So I talked with her shortly then hung up. Really by the time she called the damage was already done so why bother her with it? So I let her go with the thought of seeing her the next day.
The the next day was supposed to be the Coven Initiation, I really was not in a space to do it and that was what I was going to tell everyone when they got to my house. But Jess never showed. An hour after the time she was supposed to be there I get a facebook message saying that she’s mad at me, she doesn’t like the fact I go to my Twin to talk to and I need professional help. I broke down but she wouldn’t talk to me beyond that really. So after I was able to pull myself together Lindsay, Hot Amanda and I went out for cake. I had chocolate raspberry.
Monday I couldn’t sleep so I called into work sick, something I don’t normally do even when I am really sick. So I started texting people, mostly my Twin and Jess, and my brother. Mostly for packing materials like boxes and what not. Jess told me that she got them from her work and she would pick some up for me. We chatted a bit via text then seemingly out of the blue she said that she wants to put some distance between us. I was confused and shocked and it went from her bringing me boxes to her not wanting to help me move at all. That was like a shot to the heart, so I talked to my Twin and he tried to talk to her. She mostly told him to f-off but she said that one of her sons is showing signs of depression and she doesn’t want him to over hear her talking to me and get the idea that my bad habit is a good idea. Then she started blaming my Twin for my bad habit acting up saying it was his fault. And getting mad at him that I talk to him first before going to her and that she will not speak to me until I “get the help I need”. I haven’t had contact with her since.
I can mostly understand where she is coming from. Really I can. First she has not seen my at this point of bleakness, I’ve known her 3-4 years and I have been mostly steady, so for my habit to come out with this much force? Yeah I can understand it took her by surprise. Two how would it look and what would you think if one of your friends was going through deep emotional pain and started talking to someone they met on line a lot and slowly pushing their other friends away? Three she is a mom and I understand the safety of her kids come before anything no one is asking her different.
Now what I don’t understand. One why does she think her son is going to start picking up my bad habit? I’m not talking to any of her kids about my depression, that’s just inappropriate on sooo many levels that I don’t think I need to go into them. Everyone’s depression manifests in it’s own way you cannot ‘catch’ a coping habit. It just doesn’t work that way. Second blaming my Twin for my bad habit acting up? Ummm….. Just no, just because he sadly happened to show up and become my friend as my life started falling deeper down the spiral is NOT his fault. Gods I feel bad with all the drama I put him through. I really wonder why he is still speaking to me really I wonder that every day. Another thing SHE pushes people away too. I mean most of the stuff I’ve set up, Full Moons, hanging out with friends she can’t make it. Like the last time I planned a girls Coffee/Tea outing, and she wasn’t that far from the Cafe. But she was upset and down for her own problems and didn’t bother showing up. She may not lie when people ask her, she just stops interacting with people until she wants to. She has problems telling people about her issues and pain and wants me to run to her when I am? She wants me to get professional help (which I am), yet she refuses too because it’s too painful? But Hot Amanda talked to her. I don’t know the details but we will see what the outcome is.
Tuesday my friend and their spouse got into a a pretty big fight from what I hear. And it was about me. Like Jess didn’t stab a dagger into my heart Monday that just put another one right in there.
Wednesday I failed my driving test because of my anxiety.
So yeah so far pretty bad week.