Song: Noir by William Control

Scent: Cheshire Moon~ A lunatic’s blend of lunar herbs and blossoms, with lemongrass, guava, pink grapefruit, banyan fruit, hibiscus, and cherry blossom.


Soon I will be moving most of my stuff into my new place with my new roommate.  Her name is Rachel, she is a 20 year old early ed student at WOU. I met her by looking up “Roommates near WOU”. We really hit it off well I was happy. We are kinda in the same boat at the moment. She just broke up with her boyfriend and couldn’t afford rent and I well you know.  She likes to cook, plays video games so she is at least semi-nerd which is good for me, and she likes tea and cheese. She even showed me her favorite mug that I much say was pretty wonderful.

She even helped me put my desk together yesterday which was cool. On Wednesday I have a group of people coming over to help take my, bed, dresser, coffin, dining table and maybe bookshelf over to my new place.  See how and where everything will fit in my room then I can judge what stuff I really want to bring and have room for and what stuff will go into my parents basement till I have a place to display them all again. I think my bed will take up most of my room. And well I am alright with that.

But I mean I am really excited for this. New friend, new place to live, new life.  So exciting. Just remember In Dolore Voluptas. I am finally getting and finding the pleasure in all the pain I have been having.

So I must now scamper off and work on cleaning my room! Already have a box in there for things I don’t need/want.

Plus a Halfa tonight at Datura. Even more pleasure and sleeping on the couch for the last two days has been a pain. But the pain will be worth the pleasure in the end.



Worst Week Ever

Song- Remember by Emilie Autumn

Scent- Tears ~ The distillate of grief and loss. A clean, cathartic fragrance

In Dolore Voluptas

Wow really universe? I mean I knew Saturn Return was supposed to be turbulent and stuff but you have got to be kidding me! I mean this really has been the worst week ever.

Yeah life has pretty much sucked for the last three months but this week topped it all. I mean up until now it was just little things then a break. But lately it’s just been one thing after another. Friday after working a 12 hour shift at work I was very tired, sad and lonely.   No real reason that’s just how I felt. I’ve been in a dark place for a while so my bad habit decided to come out and play. I do not condone this habit or even promote it is just how I deal with things. Take it or leave it, it is a part of me so when you get me that part comes along, it mostly stays hidden but sometimes it comes out in force. truthfully it’s been hanging around since my brothers graduation I know I have the marks to prove it and it’s just been building and building till last Friday was the worst. So far, I hope it doesn’t get any worse then it did Friday but I don’t know.  There are worse habits I could have, I’m not turning tricks and shooting herion, nor am I a serial killer.

My Twin could tell by the texts but he was so tired that he crashed early, but he did the best thing he could think of and that was tell my friend Jess to get a hold of me. By that time I was already kinda tipsy, didn’t take much with my meds and the fact I hadn’t eaten. Anyway when Jess called I do what I always do I lie. Wasn’t hard since I was tipsy and well I’m good at it. I told her everything was fine, was it? No way in hell I was a freaking wreck but Jess didn’t need to know that she’s got her own stuff to worry about. So I act like everything is fine and happy, I’ve been doing it for years it comes naturally.   So I talked with her shortly then hung up. Really by the time she called the damage was already done so why bother her with it? So I let her go with the thought of seeing her the next day.

The the next day was supposed to be the Coven Initiation, I really was not in a space to do it and that was what I was going to tell everyone when they got to my house. But Jess never showed.  An hour after the time she was supposed to be there I get a facebook message saying that she’s mad at me, she doesn’t like the fact I go to my Twin to talk to and I need professional help. I broke down but she wouldn’t talk to me beyond that really. So  after I was able to pull myself together Lindsay, Hot Amanda and I went out for cake. I had chocolate raspberry.

Monday I couldn’t sleep so I called into work sick, something I don’t normally do even when I am really sick. So I started texting people, mostly my Twin and Jess, and my brother.  Mostly for packing materials like boxes and what not.  Jess told me that she got them from her work and she would pick some up for me. We chatted a bit via text then seemingly out of the blue she said that she wants to put some distance between us. I was confused and shocked and it went from her bringing me boxes to her not wanting to help me move at all. That was like a shot to the heart, so I talked to my Twin and he tried to talk to her. She mostly told him to f-off but she said that one of  her sons is showing signs of depression and she doesn’t want him to over hear her talking to me and get the idea that my bad habit is a good idea. Then she started blaming my Twin  for my bad habit acting up saying it was his fault. And getting mad at him that I talk to him first before going to her and that she will not speak to me until I “get the help I need”. I haven’t had contact with her since.

I can mostly understand where she is coming from. Really I can. First she has not seen my at this point of bleakness, I’ve known her 3-4 years and I have been mostly steady, so for my habit to come out with this much force? Yeah I can understand it took her by surprise. Two how would it look and what would you think if one of your friends was going through deep emotional pain and started talking to someone they met on line a lot and slowly pushing their other friends away? Three she is a mom and I understand the safety of her kids come before anything no one is asking her different.

Now what I don’t understand. One why does she think her son is going to start picking up my bad habit? I’m not talking to any of her kids about my depression, that’s just inappropriate on sooo many levels that I don’t think I need to go into them. Everyone’s depression manifests in it’s own way you cannot ‘catch’ a coping habit. It just doesn’t work that way. Second blaming my Twin for my bad habit acting up? Ummm….. Just no, just because he sadly happened to show up and become my friend as my life started falling deeper down the spiral is NOT his fault. Gods I feel bad with all the drama I put him through. I really wonder why he is still speaking to me really I wonder that every day. Another thing SHE pushes people away too. I mean most of the stuff I’ve set up, Full Moons, hanging out with friends she can’t make it. Like the last time I planned a girls Coffee/Tea outing, and she wasn’t that far from the Cafe. But she was upset and down for her own problems and didn’t bother showing up.  She may not lie when people ask her, she just stops interacting with people until she wants to. She has problems telling people about her issues and pain and wants me to run to her when I am? She wants me to get professional help (which I am), yet she refuses too because it’s too painful?  But Hot Amanda  talked to her. I don’t know the details but we will see what the outcome is.

Tuesday my friend and their spouse got into a a pretty big fight from what I hear. And it was about me. Like Jess didn’t stab a dagger into my heart Monday that just put another one right in there.

Wednesday I failed my driving test because of my anxiety.

So yeah so far pretty bad week.

*Head Desk* Don’t Annoy the Crazy Person

Song: Beautiful Loser by William Control

Scent:  NIGHT-GAUNTTheir scent of their slick, rubbery hides is bittersweet, ticklish, and skin-creeping: something akin to yuzu, white grapefruit, and kumquat mixed with the snow-dusted flowers of Mount Ngranek.

Warning this post will bounce

Really World REALLY!?! I still haven’t heard back from the Rachel about the room. So my anxieties are bounding off my in my head at the moment. And I haven’t heard from Adam if there is a place open where Richard and Ellen use to live.

See that would have been fine but Matt tells me today that he’s emailed our landlord and given our 30 notice!?! Really he didn’t talk to me. And when I brought up the fact he didn’t talk to me he gets rather defensive. I am annoyed as where the fuck am I going to live I haven’t heard back from ANY place I have started looking and now I have to be packed up and gone within 30 days? That’s great!! And all I get in return is Matt telling me he needs to move out for HIS own health. What about MY health you Fucking mamas boy?!?

I have been trying to give you space, even when that space was our living-room. I’ve been doing your laundry and willing to take the pets as your lazy ass can’t even feed the Guinea Pig that lives in your room Poor Dante! I went in there today to go through books and Dante had no food.

Yes this is an nu-medicated annoyed crazy person here.

So today after getting out of my Doc office where she piled me with free samples but which wasn’t either of my meds and there’s no was a drug plan will cover it I got to go on a drug store scavenger hunt to see where I could find mine cheaper. Went to target and we can get my Celexa generic for $10 for 3 months. Not $15 a month.  And my Bupropion for $36 a month instead of $150. I can deal with that.  Burt yet I can’t afford to pic them up this month because I have $60 in my account. Yet Matt can eat out and buy the new Hary Dresden book in hard back and still owe me $100 for rent.

So after leaving Target Matt tells me “I need to get out of that place for me health”  when I bring up the fact I have NO set place to live yet and that he should have really talked to be nefore doing that I get.  “I’m sorry I haven’t been repayable while going through this emotional roller-coaster”  Really!?! Who’s the nu-medicate crazy person who’s been trying to give you space, and walking on egg shells around you? Yet I still seem to be able to handle my job, without breaking down in to tears, fucking hard but I can. I do my house work in the place we still live because it needs to get done. He makes it seem like he is the only one dealing with this shit. Because when he’s not working he’s reading or watching movies, using my checking account to buy movies ion his PS3. And when I get home he runs off the the computer lab on campus.

Oh I hope I find a new place to live soon. Adam said he’s waiting to hear from his wife and I still have heard nothing from Rachel.


I really cannot sum my feeling up today so I will let my beautiful Emilie Autumn do so with her poem

Smirking Girl

If you turn the pages of the past
you’ll often find a story without an ending
no ‘Amen’ to say it’s over
all you have is a name you would rather forget
but it isn’t over yet
not when you’ve built your castle out of barricades
to guard against the fools you beat so long ago
long before you even knew they were fools
but even longer since you saw a god in anyone
and for such an independent soul
you sure wanted to believe in someone else
can you blame them that you hate them
smirking girl, you ask too much
who said anyone would show you the way
who said anyone would care what you’ll do someday
You’re all alone here
you can’t buy what isn’t there
You’re all alone here
you can’t change what isn’t fair
how obstinate you are
you can’t forgive the
mall they did was make you cry
on every day that passed you by
how wise they were to know you didn’t like them
how foolish they should have to ask you why

Dance Name Round 2


Song: Fire and Ice by Within Temptation

Scent: Berry Moon 2011~ A sensuous, deep berry bouquet: blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries with Morello cherries, apricots, and strawberries, swirled in heady red musk and brandy.


Started back at the gym yesterday and was only able to do a half an hour. Half an hour WTF? That just really upset me majorly.  Going back to the gym today after work.

Just Struff


Song: Crushed by Collide


Scent: Bordello~ A decadent, deep perfume, lusty and luxuriant. The scent evokes images of velvet-lined Old West cathouses, tightly laced corsets, rustling petticoats and coquettish snarls of pleasure. Bawdy plum with amaretto, burgundy wine and black currant.


Alright I’ve been in the real world a week so I think I’m fairly adjusted back from the amazing blissfulness that was Datura. I have held off updating in depth just to make sure I wasn’t being a crazy bitch about anything.

As it turns out I’m not! Yes Matt confessed that the reason he said he couldn’t get me on Sunday was he really just didn’t want to. Thankfully I had Anne and Molly. Then I get home and into my room and my computer and I find ut that someone’s been using my computer because I wasn’t the one visiting “Lustful games” at 11pm on Tuesday the 19th of July. Also he forgot to log out of Facebook so when I got home it logged into Matt’s facebook account. And to my shock and horror, he was getting in touch with a ton of his old ex’s and he was telling them things like “I’m a free man” and “yes I’m getting a divorce so I can finally be my ‘true’ self” well that was a huge slap in the face.

 And apparently while I was gone he was ‘hanging out’ with a lot of his ex’s. This explains why there were no dishes done the while I was gone and we were starting to get flies. But for someone not being there that often there were a ton of empty Dr. Pepper and coke bottles around the couch. I guess the cats went on a soda binge while I was gone.

 So I’ve been looking for new places to live and roommates that will allow pets. As much as I hate to we are going to have to split up the pets. I would take Ghost and Spooky because they have been together all their lives and I honestly think Spooky would handle being away from Matt easier than Ghost would being away from me.

  So on I started looking I found a place on Craigslist that’s like $250 a month and allows pets.    And a place on Uloop that’s a 23 year old female looking for a female roommate. Little did I know that Matt was already looking up places and he didn’t care if they allowed pets or not. He found a 1 bedroom for $400-something that doesn’t allow pets.  

 We both took a look at the house that’s $250 a month. I mean it wasn’t that bad but not really where I would want to live for two years. So I am hoping things work out with the girl on Thursday. So I suggested Matt should take the room. And he is still wanting to go to the $400 place and just “find other places” for Dante and Kismet to live.

 That totally pissed me off I can understand not wanting to live in that house it really wasn’t all that appealing but when not keep looking for a place that WILL allow you to have pets? Nope he doesn’t want to because he’s a huge ass it seems. So I’m looking wherever I can for a place that will allow ALL my pets as Matt would rather give them up then really look harder for a place that allows pets.

 For me being an ass to me I don’t really care but telling me that you don’t want to take care of the pets? That’s just crossing a line with me. And the only reason I can see for Matt wanting to live ‘alone’  is so his mom can come over and clean while he’s doing ‘other things’ for crying out loud he hasn’t even really started looking for another job and owes me $158 in rent. Oh well they are my babies and I won’t abandon them.